Oh man, we're in for a lovefest tonight. The kick-off is all about who's dating who and the state of said relationships. To recap, in case you've forgotten: Quinn and Sam are kind of hooking up/unofficially dating, Mike Chang and Tina are in the sweet throes of Asian romance, and Artie and Brittany fake went out for about five minutes, which was about long enough for Artie to lose his virginity and then dump Brittany.
Oh, on that note, apparently Artie wants Brittany back. What?
In any case, the most important couple of the episode, it turns out, isn't even a couple at all, since the previouslies also remind us that Kurt is out of the closet (proudly so), but happens to be totally alone amongst the Lima losers at McKinley High. Luckily enough, this episode is also the debut of Darren Criss (as Kurt's potential boyfriend, but nobody's confirming it), and all the promo stuff promised Kurt'd get his first kiss by the end of the episode.
Should be great, right? We'll get to it later.
The theme that kicks off the night, though? Cold showers. No, seriously. Sam is getting hot and heavy (but not TOO hot and heavy) with Quinn, and needs advice from Finn about what to do when his cup runneth over, so to speak. Finn reminds all of us that he once ran down a mailman, the thought of which usually slows things down for him at the moment of truth. Sam needs to "find his mailman," and settles on a mental image of Coach Beast chopping meat in her unmentionables. Only problem is, he employs the tactic while hooking up with Quinn and accidentally moans "Bieste" in the throes of pleasure.
Smooth move there, Bieber.
Will Schuester (Matthew Morrison) gives Coach Bieste (Dot Jones) her first kiss. (FOX)
But wait, he's not alone: news of his Beast-as-anti-aphrodisiac spreads like wildfire through the Gleeks, so Mike Chang and Tina decide to try their hands at it. They hole up in a classroom and … I'm sorry, I have to put this bit in, because it was probably the worst line of any show ever. Tina tells Mike at one point while fondling his six-pack, "with these abs you can be my very own Situation." Somewhere, the Sitch puffs on a stogie and counts his money, while the rest of us stare, slack-jawed, in horror.
Anyway, they start making out and then Tina, of all people, gets a mental image of Beast smoking a cigar in a ballerina's outfit (my God) and accidentally moans "Bieste" herself. Sweet mercy, Dot Jones is a hell of a good sport to dress up in those outfits.
Sue, needless to say, catches wind of the moaning and jumps all over it. She tries to set Beast up as a child molester or something, while Schuester is horrified his kids would resort to mentally bullying (key word Tuesday) a fellow outcast. He makes them promise to stop what they're doing, but is forced to spill the beans himself when Beast comes to Shue for the truth as to why the Gleeks are all mean-mugging her in the hallways.
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